i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
