Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
