Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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