I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Houston, we have a squirter
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
