sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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