The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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