Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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