Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
