its not stalking. its research.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize