A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
