Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
