I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
