I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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