i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
