ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We just shotgunned beers for America
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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