He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
