Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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