Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
