guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
