I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
