When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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