I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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