my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
