remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
