I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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