My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
worst night to have a conscience
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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