i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
