mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's blow job season.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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