just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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