I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
