ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I want a musical about memes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
