I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
