MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
