my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
