im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
