Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
