Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
