A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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