Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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