Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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