im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
