We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
