wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
