I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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