tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
