Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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