Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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