Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
