I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
