Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
