508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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