She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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