I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
