im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
