Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize