My balls are so social today.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
