make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
