Don't make out with my wife yet
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
