Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
