Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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