I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
