so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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